


Saving Buck

by valix33



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bobby Nash Being a Dad, Depression, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Mental Health Issues, Protective Bobby Nash, Protective Henrietta "Hen" Wilson, Protective Maddie Buckley, Station 118 Family, Suicide Attempt, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 01:26:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19074676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valix33/pseuds/valix33
Summary: Set after S2 finale, Buck becomes increasingly depressed after the accident and begins to contemplate taking his own life. Features lots of moments and comfort from Maddie, Athena, and the whole 118 family but main focus is on the relationship between Buck and Bobby because we didn't get enough father figure moments in S2. Not S3 compliant.TW: Suicidal depression and attempt





	1. Lost

He still had nightmares about that night. The sudden explosion, the fire truck pinning his leg down, being covered in glass and blood. It was the most terrifying moment of his life, and he vividly remembered the panic he had felt not knowing if he was going to be saved or not. And then waking up in the hospital with his leg encased in a cast. The doctors telling him they didn’t know if he’d be able to work again. His friends had assured him that he didn’t need to start worrying until some time had passed and they had a better understanding of what would happen.

Sure enough, it was a full two months later and he still hadn’t been cleared to go back. Though he finally got out of the chair he walked with a noticeable limp. Strangers on the street couldn’t help but glance at his injury on the few times he was able to force himself to leave the apartment. At first when he was in the wheelchair, he would go down to the station just to see everyone and do his best to pretend things hadn’t changed. But he hadn’t been in a couple of weeks and he didn’t want to explain why. 

He didn’t want to tell them that he was angry, that he had never felt lower in his life. That in spite of his love for them, he couldn’t help but feel a little resentment at the fact that only he had wound up under the weight of an entire vehicle and that he had barely got a taste of getting to be a firefighter and it was being taken away from him. Even Maddie he had seen in person less and less as time went by, since she got back together with Chimney he didn’t even want to risk seeing his old friend. He felt guilty because when she had cut him off before because of Doug he knew how hurt he’d felt. But then he told himself that she didn’t need to see how pathetic he was.

A lot of the doctors had told him he was lucky he’d survived with the blood loss, but he didn’t feel lucky. He’d rather be one of the noble firefighters that lost their life saving people instead of living to lose everything about who he was. So here he sat on the couch, alone in his apartment, wishing that the fire truck had just finished him off. But he didn’t have to just lay around and wish, he could do the rest of the work himself. When the thought first crossed his mind it terrified him, but he eventually thought that perhaps it would just be easier. Everyone would understand, they’d forgive him he hoped. His parents had Maddie and Maddie had Chimney. Bobby, Hen, Chimney, and Eddie? They had each other. They had families.

He tried to plan how he was going to do it. He could get it over fast, walk down to the gun shop a block over and buy a handgun. It was a messy way to go though. Or hang himself, maybe down a bunch of pills. But neither of those were a guarantee. He grew frustrated and realized that he just needed to settle on an option. He was done waiting for things to get better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shorter than I wanted it to be but I wanted to get some feedback about what you guys want to happen next. Would you rather have him get talked down by Bobby before he goes through with it or have him survive his attempt and the 118 crew gets called to the scene to save his life? Either way I want to write a couple chapters of recovery after featuring plenty of whump so let me know what you think.


	2. The Call

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maddie and the Station 118 team respond to a call they weren't prepared for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the great response so far guys! Based on what you requested, I decided to have them respond to the aftermath of Buck's suicide attempt. Please forgive me because my knowledge of medical information and the geography of the LA area is very lacking so I did my best using the internet.

It had been a long day for Maddie already. Numerous stressful calls combined with a handful that really didn’t qualify as an emergency had her ready for her shift to be over. She was planning on meeting Chimney tonight, since rekindling their relationship it had felt good to be able to spend time with him with no pressure. First though, she had to power through the next couple of hours. Her line rang and she steeled herself.

“9-1-1, what’s your emergency?” she answered calmly.

“He just jumped in front of my car!” a woman shouted in a panic. “I tried to slow down but I couldn’t stop fast enough!”

“Alright, try to stay calm Ma’am,” Maddie responded. “Can you tell me where you are?”

“I’m on East Crocker Street near the bakery,” the woman told her. In that moment, Maddie felt her breath catch in her throat. That was strangely close to where Buck’s new apartment was. She hadn’t heard from him in a few days despite multiple attempts to call him. But she couldn’t think like that, there were plenty of people in that area and she shouldn’t assume the worst. No matter who it was, she had a job to help.

“Okay, help is on the way,” she replied. On her map, she noticed that the 118 crew were the closest to the scene. What if it was Buck? Worst case scenario again. But they were some of the best first responders in the city and it was her responsibility to send the closest team to the scene. So she sent the notice out.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One thing Bobby was especially good at was compartmentalizing, all of them needed to be able to do it really. From the moment his shift started to the moment it ended, he did his best to let go of everything else outside of his crew and the call they were on. So when they got a call for a pedestrian car accident downtown, he loaded up with the rest of his crew and they were off. He had to compartmentalize the ring on his finger and the beautiful woman back at home who wore its match. And as he looked at the extra seat on the fire truck, he had to compartmentalize how different things had felt without having Buck here. Everyone had felt it but no one wanted to bring it up, it was easier to compartmentalize.

Of course, none of them realized how difficult it would be once they arrived on the scene. As they assessed the area, it was clear that there had been no vehicles damaged in the accident. A crowd of people assembled as they usually did when there was someone injured, so the crew had to wade through them to get to the victim.

“Make way, let us do our jobs please,” Chim said loudly as they pushed people aside. He was in front of them all, so he was the first one to freeze when he made it through the dispersing crowd. A second later, they all realized with horror who was lying on the street.

“Buck?” Hen choked out. There lay the youngest member of their makeshift family a few feet from the stopped car. He had blood smeared in various parts across his face, his body unmoving but fragile looking. For a moment, Bobby stood frozen staring down at him, struggling to compartmentalize. Chimney was the first to move, moving over to Buck and kneeling down.

“I’m not getting a pulse, Cap,” he told Bobby, who forced himself to snap out of it.

“Chim, start compressions,” he instructed. “Hen, get the oxygen pump out. Eddie, I need you to check on the driver.” Eddie was hesitant to move away, but he walked over to the terrified woman and checked her over. Chimney started to push on Buck’s chest, his composure cracked but determined all the same. Hen grabbed the pump from her bag and kneeled next to Buck’s head.

“Hold,” she said shakily. Chimney paused for a moment as Hen checked for a pulse. “Still nothing.” She held the oxygen over his mouth and pumped a few times, trying to get any kind of sign. Chimney resumed compressions, getting more and more desperate. With no other victims to save and no way to help, Bobby could only flash back to that night 2 months ago. The same bloodied face when they almost lost him the first time, that horrible feeling in the pit of his gut. He lost count of how many prayers he said in his head watching Chimney try to bring Buck back. Chimney paused once more and put his finger to Buck’s neck.

“I’ve got him.” Bobby hadn’t realized he wasn’t breathing but he couldn’t help but let out a gasp of relief. From a distance, Eddie did the same and he came back over.

“Eddie, get the brace,” Bobby told him. Eddie did as he was told and helped to secure Buck’s head in place as Hen raced without instruction to get the board. Chimney and Bobby worked together to pull him onto it and strap him in, then all four as a unit carried him over to the ambulance. Once they got going, there was nothing to do but keep him on oxygen and an IV. Only the ER would be able to find all of his injuries and help him, but that didn’t stop the crew from repeatedly looking at the heart rate monitor the whole ride. Bobby was too focused on Buck to hear who radioed the hospital to let them know they were coming. As the ambulance pulled up, they wheeled him to the door and the nurses took him back. The worst part was that none of them could follow, the same look on all of their faces not wanting to let him out of their sight. Most of the time, Bobby could compartmentalize anything, but there were some rare moments when everything would crack. Chimney’s car accident and stabbing, losing track of his team during the earthquake and the plane crash, when the fire truck had been blown up, and this moment right now. There was no one keeping it together at that moment, all of them thinking the same thing. The report had said the victim jumped in front of a moving car. Buck had done this to himself.  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Across town, Maddie had done her best for the last several minutes to not think about that call and keep doing her job. But as soon as she saw her phone light up and an incoming call from Chimney, she knew what it meant. And she couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought, it'll probably take me a little bit for the next update but there's plenty more coming soon.


	3. Visiting Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the moment, there is nothing to do but wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update is shorter than I wanted it to be, but it's been too long since I posted and so many of you have been really supportive about this fic. So I hope you enjoy this little chapter for now. My medical knowledge is extremely limited so I have no idea how accurate much of this is I just enjoy writing it.

It had been a few days and Buck still hadn’t woken up. They found a skull fracture when he was brought to the ER but they were still doing tests to see if there was any extensive brain damage. His body was severely lacerated and there were multiple other fractures. They had all been taking turns coming in to visit him, even though it was difficult to see him in his current state. He looked utterly broken, unrecognizable in a hospital gown with an IV and breathing tube hooked up to him. Maddie was sitting beside him, unable to do anything but stare at her brother with red, puffy eyes. She knew it could be hours or even more days before he woke up, but she couldn’t help herself. She kept thinking how she should’ve been more aggressive about calling, when he was pushing everyone away she should’ve done something but she didn’t. And after the fire truck accident she’d hoped she would never have to see him this way again, much less by his own doing.

Chimney entered the room quietly, gently placing a hand on Maddie’s shoulder. He had to force himself to look at the young firefighter in the hospital bed, not because he was any stranger to bad accidents but because some part of him wanted to preserve the smiling goofball he remembered at work only a couple of months ago. Maddie gripped Chimney’s hand with her own, leaning into his comfort.

“You know I have to kick you out of here,” he said softly. “It’s my turn.”

“Not yet, Chim,” she responded.

“Maddie, come on. We can’t let you be here more than 12 hours. Go home, take care of yourself for a little bit.”

“I don’t think I ever said thank you properly,” she said, ignoring his prodding. “Bobby told me you were the first one to jump into action, that you made sure Buck got taken care of. I didn’t know it was him when I got the call, but I thought if it was that you could save him better than anyone else.”

“I owed him one,” Chimney told her. “When I almost got lobotomized by a piece of rebar, these guys didn’t give up on me. They deserve the same from me.”

“I can’t leave him. He needs me right now.”

“Do you trust me?” he asked, getting a silent nod in response. “Then you have to trust that I’ll take care of him. We all will. I know you’re not sleeping in this chair and it’s been too long since you last ate. You need to get out of this hospital for a little bit. Then you can come back and spend another 12 hours and none of us will bother you, I promise. Please.” At first she didn’t respond, continuing to stare at Buck. But finally she stood up and wrapped her arms around Chimney, causing him to do the same. They embraced tightly for a long minute and she placed a kiss on his cheek. As she left he took his spot in her seat and opened up a magazine, patting Buck on the leg.

“Come on, Buck,” he whispered. “Pull through, buddy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, the next few chapters are going to get pretty angsty. Bobby will become more centric as the story goes on and we'll get more from Hen, Eddie, and Athena as well. Reminder that this is definitely not canon with S3 but will hopefully deal with his mental health problems in a more thoughtful way. Let me know what you thought!


	4. Waking Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby is there when Buck wakes up, but isn't prepared for Buck's response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is shorter than I wanted it to be, but I wrote this section and it felt like it deserved its own chapter. Again my medical knowledge is very limited but I did my best.

It was Bobby’s turn to keep watch over Buck. They’d finally taken the breathing tube out. He’d been visiting as frequently as he could. Most times he’d run into Maddie before she went home to rest, neither would really feel like talking but they’d just sit in the room together. He knew she blamed herself as much as he did himself, probably as much as they all did. Today she was home with Chimney and he’d been planning on coming alone, but Athena had insisted on accompanying him. She would give him space when he needed it, but he was smart enough not to fight her when she was doing something for his own good. She had gone to get coffee for the both of them, leaving Bobby with a moment to talk to Buck.

“Hey kid,” he said softly. “Everybody misses you. Some days it would drive me crazy that you always had a smart aleck comment to make, but right now I’d really appreciate it if you’d wake up and give me another one.” He was aware of Athena’s presence in the door but she said nothing, watching over both men with an expression of concern and affection. Bobby had Buck’s hand in his own but he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around the young man and never let him go. Buck’s fingers curled slightly and Bobby was startled. Buck began to slowly shift, his eyes fluttering as he began to awaken.

“Nurse!” called Athena as Buck looked at Bobby.

“Bobby?” he asked, still slightly hazy.

“I’m right here, Buck.”

“What am I doing here? What are you doing here?”

“You had an accident, Buck. We got the call.” Buck began to get more agitated as the nurses entered the room, pulling against the straps on his arms.

“Why did you bring me back?” he demanded, anger in his voice. “I didn’t want to come back!” He started trying to get free as Bobby tried to calm him.

“Buck, just relax,” he told the younger man to no avail.

“We have to sedate him,” one of the nurses said, moving Bobby out of the way. Athena put her arms around Bobby and they were forced to watch as Buck fought the nurses attempting to give him a sedative.

“I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to!” he shouted, though he finally began to grow weary as the sedative took hold. “Bobby, please. I don’t want to.” He looked directly into Bobby’s eyes as he fell asleep and Bobby saw his anger replaced by pain, the sadness of someone clearly suffering. Once he was out Bobby turned to Athena and broke down, guilt at seeing Buck in this state finally overwhelming him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! I'll try to update again soon!


	5. What To Do Next

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The 118 crew deals with the fallout of Buck's attempt, while Maddie weighs a decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating in so long, haven't been feeling well lately but I've been keeping up with the show and all the great fics coming out of the fandom. Now I'm back, and hopefully this update is worth the wait!

The 118 was near the end of their shift, some peace finally achievable. None of them had been able to focus today, each call operated mostly on muscle memory from doing their job for so long. Hen, Chim, and Eddie lounged around near the kitchen, Hen washing the dishes while the boys sat close by at the table. The energy around the station had been down since word had spread, no one was as close to Buck as they were but the rest of the crew couldn’t help but be affected by something this serious.

“How’s Maddie been?” Hen asked Chim, stacking a clean plate on top of the pile.

“She’s not really sleeping,” he replied, sounding exhausted himself. “At first she was crying a lot, but now she just doesn’t talk much.”

“Christopher keeps asking when he can visit Buck at the hospital,” Eddie chimed in. “He doesn’t know what’s going on, I just have to keep telling him Buck is sick and isn’t up for visitors right now.” He knew how much Christopher loved Buck but his son was also sensitive and he didn’t need to see Buck in this condition.

“It doesn’t matter right now anyway,” Hen said. “None of us will get in to see Buck until he gets out of the hospital.”

“I thought the no visitors policy was just for the first 24 hours of suicide watch?” questioned Chim.

“The hospital isn’t preventing us from seeing Buck,” she told him. “He refuses to see any visitors. They can make him stay under watch, but they can’t force him to talk to any of us.”

“We saved his life, why is he pissed at us?” Eddie demanded.

“Clearly he didn’t want us to,” replied Hen. “He’s sick, it’s not his fault.”

“I just have a hard time understanding it,” admitted Eddie. “No one ever talked about it in my house, my family would never address it.”

“Well Buck is a part of our family,” she responded. “Right now he could use all our understanding. Even if he doesn’t want it, he needs our help.” She finished scrubbing a dish and reached for the next, only to realize while she was distracted she’d hurried through them all.

“Anyone talk to Cap today?” asked Chimney. “He’s taking it pretty hard. Think he’s been down in the locker room since we got back.”

“I’ll go talk to him,” Hen offered. She knew of the three of them that Bobby was most likely to speak to her, or if nothing else she was the most likely to wrench it out of him. As Chim and Eddie watched, she descended the stairs and proceeded over to the locker room. There were a couple of people who glanced through the window, but so far no one had been brave enough to enter. Hen ignored them, walking over to Bobby as he sat on a bench by himself looking lost.

“I already know what you’re going to say,” he muttered as he registered her presence.

“Do you?” she questioned. “Who knows, I might surprise you.”

“It’s on me, Hen. There are so many things I could’ve… should’ve done.”

“Bobby we’ve all dropped the ball here. Maybe we could’ve predicted this, but none of us did. You just got married, Karen and I have been thinking about babies, we all got wrapped up in our own lives and that doesn’t make us bad people.”

“It wasn’t on you. I should’ve made sure he was okay. It’s on me.”

“What makes you think- “

“It’s my fault he got hurt in the first place!” Bobby shouted, catching Hen by surprise. “That bomb on the truck wasn’t for Buck, it wasn’t for any of you. It was for me. Freddie wanted to punish me, and Buck got hurt for it. If that hadn’t happened, he wouldn’t done what he did.”

“Bobby,” Hen said gently but firmly. “I love you but you’re a fool if you think he only did this because of his leg. Depression like this doesn’t just show up, it’s been there in his brain for who knows how long. Getting hurt might’ve made it worse, but putting the blame for this on yourself isn’t fair.”

“That was our Buck, Hen. Lying on the street, gone.” Hen could hear the wavering in Bobby’s voice, almost ready to break but just barely keeping it together.

“He’s still here, Bobby. And I don’t know when but any day now he’s going to get sent home and then it really gets hard. So we need to stop focusing on what we could’ve done before and start figuring out what we want to do next.”

“I know.” Hen held her hand out and he gripped it tightly as she sat beside him. Neither of them needed to move or speak for a long moment, taking a small comfort in just being next to each other.

\------------------------------------------

Maddie stood alone in her and Chimney’s apartment, staring at her phone in her hand. She had the number pulled up but she couldn’t decide if she wanted to dial or not. They hadn’t spoken to their parents in so long and under any normal circumstance she would be perfectly fine keeping it that way. But Buck was their son and maybe they deserved to know. Maybe they didn’t, they could just make everything worse. There she stood for several minutes, going back and forth in her head. And in spite of herself she pushed the call button without realizing it. There was no going back now.

“Mom, it’s Maddie,” she began. “Something’s happened.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! I didn't originally plan on Hen taking the lead but I liked positioning her as the voice of reason in this chapter. Also please don't think I'm villainizing Eddie, I love his character but some of his dialogue about mental health on the show has been less than enlightened so I think I should reflect that at first in the story. I should hopefully update again soon and I'm also working on another idea for a multi-chapter fic as we speak. Feedback always appreciated!


	6. Still Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buck's experience after he wakes up in the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted to have a dedicated chapter exploring where Buck's head is at after his attempt because we really haven't heard from him since the first chapter. Warning: This is a pretty dark chapter and might be triggering for some people but I didn't want to just make him okay again. Reminder I don't have medical knowledge, just doing my best here from my own experience and the experiences I've heard from friends of mine. Hope you enjoy!

It wasn’t fair. That was the thought that kept going through Buck’s mind when they had him on watch. He wasn’t supposed to still be here, when the car had hit him and he had blacked out that was supposed to be it. Instead they put him in the hospital again, feeling even more broken than before. He wasn’t sure what was more damaged, his body or his mind. Having the hospital staff constantly checking on him wasn’t even the worst part, the worst was being forced to sit there for hours on end with nothing but his own thoughts to keep him company. But at the same time, he didn’t want anyone to come and see him while he was here. Not the 118 and definitely not Maddie. Remembering how they all had reasons to be here and he didn’t, seeing their anger or even worse their pity, it was too much for him to take. He’d rather sit and fester in the fucked up darkness of his own head. At least until they let him go home.

Part of his punishment for not being able to finish what he started was he had to attend group therapy in the hospital. He hadn’t been to that kind of doctor since his first therapist ended up caring more about sleeping with him than making him feel better. The therapist was nice enough, she didn’t force Buck or anyone else to speak but would gently prod people that looked like they were about to say something. A group of freshly suicidal patients wasn’t exactly the cheeriest group. Some of them talked about how bad things were at home, and Buck couldn’t help but think how many of these people had it so much worse than he did and he was an asshole for feeling the way he did. Some of them admitted that they had regretted their attempt as soon as it was over, and Buck couldn’t help but wish he felt the same way instead of bitterness that he was still alive. The one thing all of them had in common though was a clear exhaustion, everyone sitting in the room looked physically and mentally drained.

“Daria, how have you been doing?” the therapist asked. Daria was a woman who seemed to be in her thirties, very thin and pale. Her expression kept changing from disinterest to mild irritation.

“Other than the stomach pumping, I’ve never been better,” she quipped with a bit of venom.

“Really?” the therapist questioned.

“Yep, feels pretty good to know that no matter how many times I attempt I’ll always end up right back here.”

“And what caused you to attempt this time?”

“Because my system got interrupted and my brain didn’t know what else to do,” she replied.

“Your system?” inquired the therapist.

“I have a system in place to deal with when things get overwhelming. When work or my family or my pathetic dating life get to be too much, I just need to let the pressure out so I can stop feeling so numb. I make a few cuts on my arm, far enough from the wrist that I don’t hit the vein, and then I cover up so no one notices and move on with my life.”

“Does it work?” Buck heard himself ask without thinking, drawing eyes to him. Daria’s expression seemed to soften when she made eye contact with him.

“It did,” she answered. “Until my parents saw the scars and freaked out on me. I stopped cutting to make them happy and so the pressure had nowhere to go.”

“Self-harm is not a healthy outlet for dealing with feelings of overwhelm,” the therapist chimed in, making sure to look directly at both Daria and Buck. “We need to find different ways to deal with this pressure you’re describing.” Daria rolled her eyes but didn’t offer any more retorts. Buck didn’t speak up for the rest of the meeting, his first impression already wasn’t that great without opening his mouth again. When the meeting was over and everyone started to return to their rooms, Daria passed by Buck and gave him a pat on the shoulder.

“I’m Daria Willoughby,” she whispered to him. “If you want to, you can look me up when they let you out on parole.” With that she was gone and the therapist was the one approaching Buck.

“Please don’t tell them to keep me longer,” he said softly, avoiding looking at her directly.

“This isn’t a test, we’re just here to try and help you. I don’t know what pain you’ve gone through, but I know that no matter what you think you deserve to still be alive. You may not believe me right now, but there’s a reason you survived. It takes a while to figure out why, but there’s always a reason.” She gave him a small card with a number and title written on it. “This is a support group I recommend most of my patients to attend once they’re out of the hospital. It’s totally legitimate, no doctors to supervise just people who might feel the same way you do.”

It seemed like longer than 72 hours, but eventually Buck was finally discharged. He didn’t feel any better, and yet he was still here anyway. He didn’t believe the therapist’s words, but he kept the card with him all the same in case he decided to change his mind. Of course since he’d been taken in an ambulance he didn’t have his car and so he reluctantly had to call Maddie to come take him home. He expected her to immediately slap him or yell at him as soon as she got out of the car, instead he found himself wrapped in the tightest hug he might’ve ever received.

“I love you” she said into his ear, those words alone almost enough to make him cry.

“I love you too,” he answered back. At least this one thing was true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, feedback or kudos are always appreciated. The support from you guys has been awesome so far! I'll be updating my other fic, Fragile Things, sometime soon and then post the next update to this fic as well!


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